Emergency Preparedness – The Werewolf Edition

 Bad news.

The local garden centers don’t sell wolfsbane.

This is a problem since I’ve recently come to realize that I’m not getting older and out of touch, but instead there are werewolves among us.  And, just like all Californians should have an emergency kit prepared for earthquakes (um, you do have one, right?) all right thinking people everyone should also have an emergency plan to deal with the lycanthropy problem.

But back to the bad news about wolfsbane.  Apparently Aconitum napellus (that’s latin for I can look up things on the internet and find out what the botanical name really is) will kill werewolves.  And wolves.  And pretty much anything you shoot with an arrow tipped with wolfsbane.  Apparently the deadliness in not limited to shooting living things with arrows… I double checked, because I was prepared to argue that arrows tipped with one of my heirloom organic tomatoes from my garden would also be deadly.  But no, even without feather guided missile (um, arrow) technology, wolfsbane is deadly.


The garden centers will sell me fleabane.  Which I’m assuming will repel fleas. Don’t know how well it would work on werewolves.  One possibility is that the were-fleas would be so repelled that they would drag their host werewolf away from the area.  Or else the fleabane would cure the were-fleas, and they would revert to their original common flea state.  At which point I imagine they would be much less annoying, what with not having the blood drenched flea nails/claws, or super flea blood sucking strength.  If this happens I figure there are two equally possible outcomes:  1) the werewolf would feel so much better, not having demon fleas sucking the were-blood out of them, that their original human form could take control, and thus curing the curse of the werewolf, and the need for decoy manicure to disguise the blood and gore.  Or 2) the werewolf would no longer be distracted by blood sucking, and could focus and become a more efficient killing machine.

I should probably figure out which one is more likely before I plant some in my garden.

I have figured out a scientific way of determining which scenario is more likely.  Apparently Inula dysenterica (once again Latin for I looked up the official name for fleabane) (oh, interesting historical footnote – the latin name references the fact that hundreds of years ago people thought fleabane cured dysentery.  True story. Hmm, that was much more interesting in my head…)

Where was I?  Oh yes, Inula dysenterica grows freely in Scotland, but rarely in Ireland.  So we just need to do some research into the number of werewolf attacks in Scotland vs. Ireland. If there are more mysterious gut ripping dismemberments in Ireland, I’ll be planting fleabane all over the yard, but if it turns out Scotland is more plagued, then I’ll make sure I have none growing in the neighborhood.

Science!  Why don’t they teach us how cool and helpful it can be while they try and make us memorize boring stuff in high school?


Seriously, I would have paid more attention in school if they’d mentioned science could prevent me from being a wolfman’s midnight snack.


About woodenmonkey

Just your average solar powered, hybrid driving, organic eating, happily married, pro-choice, feminist Christian artist and writer from San Francisco.

Posted on May 10, 2011, in the typing makes me sound busy. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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